


RC #227 Mission #2: Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

by SkarmorySilver



Series: Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Response Center #227 [2]
Category: Indiana Jones Series, Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Genre: Not Safe For Brain, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, PPC Mission, Sporking - Freeform, Timeline What Timeline, Troll - Freeform, Violence, WTF, badfic, trollfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 08:14:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14397966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: In which a squatter moves into the RC — and accidentally makes a trollfic turn deadly.





	RC #227 Mission #2: Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

**Author's Note:**

> \- **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. The _Pokémon_ franchise (Falchion’s home continuum) belongs to Nintendo, Satoshi Tajiri and Game Freak. _The Incredibles_ (Sarah's home continuum) belongs to Pixar and Brad Bird. The _Indiana Jones_ franchise is copyright to George Lucas. Agents Rashida Mafdetiti, Falchion, and Sarah Squall belong to me.  
>  The fic being sporked, [Indiana Jones Dot Com](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4445668/1/Indiana), belongs to [THE PETE PETERSON EXPERIENCE](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/1120881/THE-PETE-PETERSON-EXPERIENCE), who may kindly keep it.
> 
> \- **Betas:** doctorlit and eatpraylove.
> 
> \- **Rating:** M/R - M is for "My gods, this is dumb".
> 
> \- **Original posting date:** October 25, 2014
> 
> \- **[Original document](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S-BswjRweMBrLwHVlce-zAG0wGaKwjMQahBeygRPDI4/edit)**

Cover Illustration: [ Indiana Jones Nuking the Fridge infographic ](http://mauricem.deviantart.com/art/Indiana-Jones-Nuking-the-Fridge-infographic-295818883) by [ mauricem ](http://mauricem.deviantart.com/)

  

 

 

> “We will change you, Dr. Jones, all of you, from the inside. We will turn you into us. And the best part? You won't even know it's happening.”
> 
> — Col. Dr. Irina Spalko, _Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull_ (2008)

 

**Pre-Mission**

 

“Aaaaaand that’s done!” Falchion smiled as the last flaw of his silvery armor smoothed itself over. His partner briefly glanced up from the last of her meatloaf before grumbling silently to herself.

In the few weeks since he’d moved into RC #227, the Skarmory agent had constructed a nest out of a dozen live blackberry bushes and a woven basket as wide as a truck tire, with all of the scrap metal and trinkets he’d collected in their previous mission piled up in the middle, along with eight dormant mini-Omnidroids arranged as neatly as a clutch of eggs. Falchion had been brooding upon this little pile for half an hour, his skin absorbing the metallic ions and repairing his armor, which had been badly damaged during Rashida’s last outburst at him. Until this little session, there were still quite a few nicks and scratches left upon his hide by both his partner and his new adopted sister.

He was a vain sort of bird that way.

“Do you have to be so concerned about your appearance, Falchion?” asked Rashida.

“Hey, what else can I do?” he replied, preening the last of his wing feathers. “My armor will have to be in prime condition prior to my next battle.”

“I’ve made it through quite a few nasty fights with threads in worse shape than yours after our last mission. Mind you, some of them were up close and personal with my designated prey.”

“No, I’m serious. My ability is Sturdy. Basically, if I take a hit that would be fatal while at full health, I’ll still survive with one HP left. I _need_ to be in top condition for guaranteed survival.”

“Ah. I suppose the battle mechanics from your home continuum apply here as well?”

“Well, yeah, they — ”

_Knock knock knock._

The two of them stopped their conversation, looking towards the source of the noise.

“Hmm, how odd,” the albino Sphinx mused aloud as she stood up and made her way to the door. “I thought the Flowers usually notify us before sending in — ”

“Hell _oooooooo_ , RC #227!” cried a CG teenage girl with a jet-black ponytail as she flung the door open with one hand, knocking Rashida flat on her back in the process. Falchion recognized her instantly, not just because of her hairstyle but also because she was lifting a very large, overstuffed suitcase with her other hand as though it were light as a feather.

“ _Stratogale?!_ ”

“Hey, Adam!” Sarah waved cheerfully. “Nice to see you here! This is your place, right?”

“Yes, it is,” Rashida growled as she rolled back onto her paws and turned to face their guest. “What are _you_ doing here, anyway?”

“I was told that I’d be nesting here until the Flowers decide where I’ll be permanently employed. Maybe it’s because my brother lives here too?”

“Or maybe those sadists upstairs just wanted to send me a new tormentor,” the Sphinx grumbled sourly. The Super teen, who was wearing a long-sleeved maroon T-shirt with a silver eagle printed on the front, skinny jeans, and a pair of rather large, slightly worn sneakers, pretended not to hear her as she tossed the suitcase onto the floor.

It promptly burst open, sending used clothes everywhere.

“At least I didn’t actually _do_ anything this time,” Falchion muttered, tossing a rather yellowish women’s size 10 sock off his face with a flick of his head. Per the Narrative Laws of Comedy, it ended up on Rashida’s face instead.

The Sphinx agent peeled the rancid sock off and tossed it away disgustedly. “To your credit, only the Flowers control who goes where,” she grumbled before polishing off the rest of her meal. “If memory serves, that’s how you ended up here as well.”

“That’s how _everyone_ ended up here,” Falchion chuckled. “Including you, so y’know, think before you cheep.”

“I transferred to Floaters on my own volition, actually. Didn’t I tell you that when you first got here?”

“Whatever.”

“So, when do we start?” asked Sarah. “I’m sure you guys have something ready, right?”

“I appreciate your enthusiasm, but… sorry, no,” Rashida replied as she picked up her Bag of Holding with her forepaw and slung it over her back. “I scheduled an appointment with FicPsych today, and I have to be there in ten minutes.”

“So, when will you be back?” asked Sarah.

“In about half an hour. Falchion, stay out of trouble while I’m gone.”

“I’ll try,” Falchion replied, mentally tracing a halo over his crested head. “Well, with you there’s no trying, just doing. But, you know…”

“That goes double for you, Sarah,” Rashida said to their lodger. “Falchion may at least have _some_ experience, but your metaphorical minty fresh scent is even stronger still. So if you know what’s good for you, stay _far_ away from the console at any cost _._ And for Nut’s sake, put your clothes away!”

“Yes, ma’am!” Sarah replied, giving Rashida a 70’s Girl Scout salute. The Sphinx agent rolled her eyes with a disgruntled huff.

“I’ll be back before you know it. Just keep to yourselves and clean up this gods-forsaken mess while you’re at it. Understood?”

“Yes, ma’am!” Falchion and Sarah said together. Rashida still gave them a last warning look and left the RC for FicPsych.

No sooner had the door closed on the two of them, however, when —

**[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!]**

“Oh, _cluck_ ,” Falchion squawked. “The _one_ time Rosie leaves us to pal around together, and _this_ happens. Hey, don’t touch that!”

She had headed over to the console and pushed the big red button, just to see what would happen. The mission report promptly showed up on the screen.

She read through it several times to make sure it stated what she thought it did, her expression turning increasingly mortified each time. After the fourth time, she started cursing incoherently and raised both of her fists in a remarkably Hulk-like gesture. But before she could smash the console, she yelped as a pointy metal object whizzed past her ear and almost cut her cheek.

Falchion’s feather dart buried itself into the Sar-Plasm-coated wall of the RC as his honorary sister slowly turned to face him with a horrified expression.

“No, just… no,” she whimpered. “Nonononono _NO_ . He did _not_ — ”

Falchion waved her aside and strode over to look at the report. His dagger-like beak fell open with a creak after reading just four lines. “You’ve got to be flocking _kidding_ me.”

“Yep. This fic’s _way_ crazier than you’d guess from the title. ‘Indiana Jones Dot Com’, I think. I know the first of those movies would be released like, a year or two after the time period of my home fic, but I marathoned the series at FicPsych yesterday. Let’s just say that what we’re going to face makes every weird ancient artifact ever look like a bobblehead doll.”

“A MacGuffin that grants the power of flight, Dr. Jones being sent from the future to kill Indy… September 11? And he _eats Obama?!_ Yeah, even _Crystal Skull_ would definitely be super-effective against this pile of — wait, we’re going to _WHAT?!_ ”

Sarah paused in the middle of setting up the portal into the fic, her big feet crossed together in a slightly uneasy manner. “We’re… going to face off against this fic. We _have_ to, don’t we?”

“Sarah, we _can’t_. Not only did my partner explicitly warn us against even touching the console, but you don’t have even a single EV’s worth of training! And we’ve still got this big mess to patch up,” he added, waving his bladed wing towards the random clothes scattered about.

“Well, _I_ , for one, believe in learning on the job,” Sarah replied, reaching into the very bottom of her suitcase and pulling out a rocket launcher she’d somehow stowed inside. “See you inside!”

“Sarah, _don’t_ — !”

But before Falchion could even finish his sentence, she’d dialed up the portal and disappeared through it. The Armor Bird Pokémon briefly covered his head with one bladed wing.

“Oh man, Rosie is _not_ going to be happy when she gets back,” he muttered, programming the Disguise Generator and packing up the required equipment.

As he hopped through the portal after his sister, t rex the mini- _Tyrannosaurus_ helped himself to the last few scraps of Rashida’s leftover meatloaf.

 

* * *

 

**Act One**

  * Soundtrack: [Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom — “Slalom on Mt. Hulom”](http://youtu.be/bnKX-9zqRAo)



  

 

> **THIS story is actually called Indiana jones DOT COM BUT the fanfuiction wont let me say . com'**
> 
> **Indania chapter 1 he can fly**
> 
> **A/N: this takes place after the 3rd movie but before the crystal skoal.**
> 
> **ndiana jones waz at a cave on a cliff. he climbed in.**

 

Falchion’s disguise looked like it had in his last mission, but with two major differences: first, it reflected his “real” age of twenty-something; and second, his outfit had a classic “50’s bad boy” look going on, complete with leather jacket and slick black hair. His disguise reminded him of Mutt from _Crystal Skull_ , if he had been played by Ryan Potter with nerd glasses and Daniel Radcliffe’s hairstyle instead of Shia Labeouf.

The sparse, awful narrative rendered everything in beige tones, rather like an old movie. Falchion was in the same cave that Indy had entered, but neither the canon nor Sarah were anywhere to be seen. Realizing that they must’ve made at least some headway into the first chapter, the disguised Skarmory immediately began rushing deeper into the rocky passage, but he hadn’t gotten two steps when his foot landed on something small and round, which predictably rolled out from under his shoe and sent him flat on his face.

Scrambling into a sitting position, he readjusted his glasses and picked up the round thing as it rolled by. It was a spherical rock the size of a soccer ball, identical to the iconic version from _Raiders of the Lost Ark_ except for the word “Indania” carved into it.. A moment later, two more such stones rolled up to him, with similar carvings that read “crystal skoal” and “ndiana jones”, respectively.

“Mini-Boulders?” Falchion wondered aloud as he examined the first one. But then he heard a noise near the mouth of the cave, and realized that something was wrong. After laboriously stuffing the Mini-Boulders into his Bag of Holding, the Skarmory agent stood up and hurried towards the source of the noise.

He found his adopted sister on her knees at the front of the tunnel, her hands clutching her face in a gesture of horrified exasperation.

 

> **"shit." he said. he shoved the gold tube up his ass. he jumped out and hoped there was a pillow or something bellow him.**
> 
> **"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" he said as he fell. suddenly he was flying.**
> 
> **"what the fuck?" indjyu said. he then knew. he could fucking fly. he flew toward the nazi.**
> 
> **"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" the nazi said. indy threw his hat into the engines. the hat flough out of the back of the plane. indy grabbed it.**
> 
> **the plane exploded.**

Sarah lowered her hands and turned to Falchion with an agonized expression. She could only speak four words in a horrified whisper: “What. The. Actual. Fuck.”

Two more Mini-Boulders, indjyu and indy, rolled up to Falchion, who promptly hauled them in his Bag along with the others. Then, while Indy found his father and flew off with him in his arms, breaking out into song for no reason, the disguised Skarmory seized his sister by the collar, dragged her back into the cave, and slammed her against the rock wall. So traumatized was the Super trainee that if she had her super-strength, she couldn’t bring herself to use it.

“What, in the name of Ho-oh’s _SACRED FUCKING CLOACA_ , has gotten into you?!” he hissed through clenched teeth.

“I just wanted to kill this fic!” Sarah almost sobbed. “I didn’t know it was gonna be _this_ bad!”

“This,” Falchion continued, “is exactly why my partner told us _not to touch the clucking console._ You were supposed to wait for her to come back!”

“And get my ears blown out by an hour of the damn thing going off?!” Sarah retorted.

“I’ll take the console’s beeping over this guano-fest any day, you complete _featherhead!_ Now look what you’ve done!”

“But I _have_ to kill this badfic! I — ”

“And risk your life and sanity on your first mission? What have you got, a death wish?!”

“Adam, I don’t — ”

“I was being rhetorical. And now we have to go through with this whether we like it or not. Sarah, whatever you do, _do not_ leave my sight. And I’m already having a bad day as it is, so if you think I’ll let you Sneasel your way out of this mess with any of your ‘Chronic Hero Syndrome’ excuses, you’re _sorely_ mistaken. Got it?”

Somewhere, off in the distance, Dr. Jones Sr. **GOT an erection and creamed himself.** For a second, each agent involuntarily tasted his/her own bile. Falchion was so disgusted that he almost forgot to pick up yet another mini-Boulder, idie’s, that had just rolled up to them.

Sarah pouted, both annoyed and miserable, as she fished the RA out of her bag. “Let’s just catch up with the story already. Indy and his dad will spend another hour flying around, and I don’t want to waste any time. The sooner we get this cancer-fest over with, the better.”

“Yeah, duh,” replied her adopted brother. “Both this fic and your behavior are starting to make me act like my partner… and that’s _not_ a good sign.”

> **"junier i must tell you somthing/.**
> 
> **"whant?!"**
> 
> **"i have been sent from the future to kill you."**
> 
> **"NOOOOOOOOO!!"**
> 
> **he smacked indy.**
> 
> **"WAHH!!" IDNI"ES DAD SCREAMED AS WAVES CAME OUT OF HIS MOUTH. the waves of power sent indy in to the futre!**

The agents barely had time to snatch up two more mini-Boulders, junier and IDNI”ES, before the two of them were swept up by a scene shift that struck like a tsunami. After a few seconds of spinning and an echoing scream of “ **MEANWHILE IN THE FUTURE IN THE FUTURE IN THE FUTURE IN THE FUTURUE FURTUERE FUUTREU FUTRUE FUTRUE FUTRURE FUTURE** ”, they landed in front of **an office**. A few lines later, the chapter ended.

Falchion managed to sit up, feeling light-headed, but Sarah was much less lucky. Unable to take the jolt of the scene shift, she rolled onto her hands and knees before vomiting onto the carpet.

“Oh, lovely,” the Skarmory agent fumed. “I come out to have a good time, and what I get is a trip to a complete fuck-up of a badfic with only my annoying little sister for company. I’d say I’m feeling so attacked right now, but you know how tired that expression is these days.”

“Where are we, anyway?” Sarah asked, wiping her mouth as she stood up shakily. “This isn’t going to get any worse, isn’t it?”

Suddenly, Falchion stood up too, looking terrified. “Rule number one in the PPC: Never, _ever_ bait the Ironic Overpower. _Ever_. Sarah, can you still fly?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I just looked at the Words. We’re in the next chapter, today is **septembere 11 2001** … and **this is the world trade center.** ”

“Wait, septembere 11 2001?” the Super asked, unable to make sense of it. “What happened on that day?”

“More death and destruction than you’d ever believe,” Falchion replied as he rushed her towards the window. “I wish I could explain in full, but as Gandalf the Gray once put it, _‘FLY, YOU FOOLS!’_ ”

Sarah didn’t need to be told twice. She wrapped her left arm around Falchion’s torso and swiftly shoulder-checked the nearest window. There was a crash of shattering glass as the agents plummeted out of the building, which was immediately followed by a…

> **BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!**
> 
> **indy was blowed out of the building. he fell into a desert. he got out.**
> 
> **"when am i." he said as his dad shoed up. he was a floating head. it was a hologram.**
> 
> **"WWWWWWWWWAH!!" indys dad said as he teleported indy into the future. he was in the year 2008.**
> 
> **he woke up in a street.**
> 
> **"when am i." he picked up a newspaper. it said 2008.**
> 
> **"no..."**
> 
> **he walked down the street and saw new technology.**
> 
> **"WHAT THE FUCK!! WHAT THE FUCK!! NO NO NONONOMNONNONONONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" he cried because he missed the past. he walked into a museum. he saw stuff from when he was from.**

The agents were sent spinning by two scene shifts in a row, and Sarah, who had been concentrating on falling _up_ , proceeded to, well, throw _down_ . And that was before they smashed through the window of the museum, reducing an entire gallery of priceless artifacts to shrapnel. Generic People fled in terror as the agents stood up, realized what had happened, and hobbled out of the museum as fast as their legs could carry them. Surprisingly, the panicking Indy was completely oblivious to all this; he was in fact so spaced out by his distorted personality that he didn’t even notice when the Words’ mention of **indys** made him momentarily split into two people.

“Aaaaand now we’ve probably broken a few dozen bones too,” Falchion squawked angrily. “My day just keeps getting better and better.”

A few drops of Sar-Plasm landed on Sarah’s face. “Sorry, sorry! I didn’t watch where I was flying!” she cried, wiping off the Sar-Plasm along with her own vomit. It was lucky that she still had her powers with her, as she was the more shock-absorbent of the two at the moment, not to mention she had managed to shield her brother from most of the debris.

“You should’ve landed as soon as we got out of the WTC and portaled us to the end of the chapter,” the disguised Skarmory retorted. “Do you even _know_ what the _flock_ you’re doing?! You almost got us both _killed!_ ”

Both agents were silent for a moment. “I guess I don’t know,” Sarah replied carefully. “Is there anything I can do to make up for that?”

“Give me the RA,” he hissed. “I’ll take it from here. We’ve got a character introduction at the end of this chapter and after that we find the Replacement Henry. And _then_ …”

“Clobberin’ time?” Sarah asked, feeling slightly brighter than before.

“You’ve already caused me enough trouble for today, and you’ve got the audacity to demand the task of offing that bastard?” he spat at her. “ _No._ I need to relieve all the _RAGE_ I’ve collected since we got here, and Arceus-dammit, I am _going_ to.”

She wisely handed him the RA before pounding her palm in frustration. “Well, _shit_!”

> **"you can get it back, indy." a voice from behind him said. he turned. it was a really cool kid.**
> 
> **"who are you." indy said.**
> 
> **"my name is andy. i studied history and i know who you are. i can help you. you need the power of the magic dome."**
> 
> **"of course." indy said. "it can time travel. where is it."**
> 
> **" it's controlled by the most despicable loser alive."**
> 
> **"you don't mean..." indy said.**
> 
> **"it is an ugly geekazoid name kaiser snot and his gay friends."**
> 
> **"no..."**
> 
> **"i know the key to beating them though."**
> 
> **"whanT??" indana jone said.**
> 
> **"the volcano."**

After picking up indana jone the mini-Boulder, Falchion portaled the two of them to the next chapter, where they saw the canon and the OC kill kaiser snot by throwing him into the Random Volcano. “So much for that guy,” Sarah muttered. “We could’ve recruited him.”

“He was a Nazi and he would’ve tried to kill us if we’re going by canon, so we would’ve had to get rid of him anyway,” Falchion replied sourly. “And andy is now going to help Indy get back to his home era with the help of Wikipedia. Great.”

“There’s a scene shift ahead,” Sarah pointed out. “Can we start our killing spree now?”

Falchion took her question as an affirmative to open up a portal and drag her through.

“I know it’s a bit late to say this, but I have never read anything this beige in my life,” Sarah fumed as she set him down near some kind of gathering. “Or with such horrible spelling. And before you call me a hypocrite, I’ve gotten better at that and my home fic at least used proper grammar for about half the characters involved.”

Falchion shook his head. “No, that’s not the most important issue. This fic racked up a ton of charges in record time. I’m tempted to say it’s a crack fic, maybe even a troll fic, because of how completely it’s broken the canon. No, not just broken. It’s utterly shattered it to bits, melted it with a Fire Blast, fed it to the shiny Gyarados from the Lake of Rage, sifted it from the resultant excrement, put it back together with the pieces all in the wrong places, sliced it to ribbons with Palkia’s Spacial Rend, and had both Celebi _and_ Dialga send it back in time to have the whole thing happen to it all over again. Twice.”

He sighed in despair. “And I have to wade through it with only my idiot sister to help — ”

That was when he realized that Sarah had not responded. That was because she had flown off while he was moping. But… where?

“Sarah?!” he cried, standing up and looking around. Then he looked up at the Words, and realized what was about to happen in stark horror.

> **john mckain was giving a sepech/**
> 
> **"what the fuck! we don't want to fuck up worse. FUCK!! we need a president who won't fuck this up. FUCK!!" mcan said. he was very mad.**
> 
> **prof jones showed up.**
> 
> **"who the fukc?" mckan said as he was** —

“STOP RIGHT THERE, YOU SICK _FUCK!!!_ ” a voice screamed from the heavens. Henry was just about to pull someone who looked like Senator John McCain into his mouth, somehow, when he turned to face the newcomer. Generic People looked up in awe and fear as a teenaged girl floated down from the sky, her ponytail billowing dramatically in the wind. In one hand, she was holding a random megaphone — and in the other, she was aiming a rocket launcher with the intent to turn the fake Dr. Jones into a smoldering pink grease stain.

“Listen up, you ugly, homicidal, cancerous sack of _cockatiel stool!_ By order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Character Replacement on account of the following charges: Replacing the character of Dr. Henry Jones Sr., claiming to have been sent from the future to kill your own son, doing unspeakable things in full view of him, sending him to the future, somehow, and involving him in a tragic historical event without any explanation whatsoever and in the most tasteless way possible, planning to take over the world for no conceivable reason, attempting to assassinate politicians to carry out said plan _,_ and — wha? Hey, let go of me!”

Falchion had burst in on the scene, leaped up from below his sister, and wrapped his arms around her legs in a bid to pull her down.

“WHAT ARE YOU _DOING?!_ ” the Skarmory agent shrieked. “ _HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!_ ”

“He was going to murder a U.S. Senator!” Sarah cried out, tightening her belt so he wouldn’t accidentally pull her pants down. “I couldn’t just stand by!”

Falchion found it hard to subdue her even though she was using only a fraction of her strength; she had actually lifted him off the ground slightly so that the toes of his shoes were just barely touching the Generic Ground. “You’re supposed to get him away from public view before we get rid of him! If you shoot him now, everybody’s gonna think _you’re_ the murderer!”

“But we _have_ to do this!” Sarah cried out, trying to shake him off. “We have to — ”

Before she could finish, Not!Henry had sprang at them like a pouncing Persian. Falchion had only an instant to free her of his own weight before he felt the Replacement’s teeth sink deep into his shoulder.

 

* * *

 

**Act Two**

  * Soundtrack: [Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom — “The Mine Car Chase”](http://youtu.be/YJJaZajUP-E)



 

_Meanwhile, in Medical…_

 

“So all in all, it wasn’t one of my better evenings,” Rashida finished, before taking another draft from her catnip inhaler. She had just finished her appointment with the Kudzu some ten minutes ago, during which she’d also had a run-in with Violet. The canon’s leg had been regenerated completely, and any memories of her disastrous vacation to Isla Sorna were long gone by now. Rashida hadn’t stuck around for long, but Violet had at least asked her how Sarah was doing. She was told that her friend was fine, but that she’d be staying with her until further notice, though correspondence with the canon was not out of the question. While Violet was led off to be returned to her family, the Sphinx agent decided to make use of her time by picking up her prescription sedative from Medical, where she struck up a talk with Dr. Appleday about the previous mission.

“You did get rid of everyone, though, didn’t you?” asked the brunette doctor. “I mean, Falchion took care of the Stu-slaying for you.”

“Correct. Plus he was able to recruit someone as well. I never thought a first timer would be able to do that on his own.”

“Well, you said yourself that his disguise perfectly matched Sarah’s Gary Stu brother. I don’t know if things would have worked out that well if he’d looked a bit different.”

“True. I wonder how he’s doing now. I left him and the new recruit in the RC; I hope they’re not bored stupid.”

Dr. Appleday cringed. “Not to rain on your parade here, but I’d take that choice of words quite literally. Did you ask them not to touch the console?”

“They’re not too experienced yet, so yes. I was planning to get back to them in case another mission came up. Why?”

“To be honest, Rashida, I don’t think the Ironic Overpower has that much patience,” the doctor replied, filling out her prescription form on his clipboard. “Given how long you’ve been gone, the console’s probably deafened those kids by now. Gosh, I’d hate to be in their shoes right now…”

Rashida took a few moments to realize what he was talking about, but then her expression turned shocked and frightened as she put two and two together. A moment later, Dr. Appleday glanced up from his clipboard to see that her mood had switched to murderously angry. “I apologize for burdening you more than usual this evening, but don’t be surprised if two complete _idiots_ turn up in your office in a few hours’ time,” she snarled.

“What, did Falchion get into trouble?” the brown-haired man asked, looking worried.

“I don’t know,” the albino Sphinx replied before heading out the door, without even thanking him for the meds. “But something tells me I’m about to find out.”

Rashida galloped through the halls of the PPC HQ at top speed, distracting herself by thinking of all of the unmentionable things she was going to do to her partner as soon as she found him. She first decided to make a pit stop at DoSAT, though; as she told Makes-Things, “You never know when you need a spare RA.”

“Why?” he asked irritably. “Did you break the last one? First it’s CADs, and now…”

“No, it’s not broken. Yet. But my utter featherbrain of a partner probably has it on him and he’s stuck in the middle of some continuum’s nowhere right now. I need to get him out of whatever Word World he’s in, _immediately._ ”

“All right, all right!” the Korean technician spluttered. “There should be a spare one in the Refurbished box. Now get out of my sight! Can’t you see I’m busy?!”

The Sphinx Agent gave him her best Grumpy Cat face, picked up the required equipment, and took her leave without saying another word.

As soon as she reached RC #227 no less than two minutes later, she flung the door open, and her mouth fell agape. It was just as messy as when she’d left it, and more importantly, the console was showing an open portal and an intelligence report.

Rashida looked through said report, her eyes widening in abject horror. That damned bird was good as _dead_.

 

Sarah wanted to just lie down amidst the sea of desolation and wait until the first snow covered the whole mess up, herself included. It had all happened so quickly: one moment she thought she had the whole situation handled, ready and willing to blow the fake Dr. Jones to smithereens, but the next, he had attacked Falchion in a sudden fit of bloodlust, and when she had tried to defend her brother, the Replacement had slammed her through two podiums and attempted to smash her to a pulp with three news vehicles in quick succession. All of them, along with most of the Generic People who had attended the speeches of both **john mckain** and **barak obama** , were now in bits and pieces all over the place. Not!Henry had killed and eaten both candidates, **gained all** [their] **poweres** , and left the Super teen for dead… taking her brother with him.

It was all her fault, and she knew it too. It was amazing that she was still alive, unlike all of the Generic People that had been caught in the crossfire. But she wouldn’t be for long. She was quite sure that the hand that was now picking her up by the throat and lifting her into the sky was surely that of Death itself…

“ _WHERE IS HE?!_ ” Rashida screamed, her voice accompanied by with a bass timbre that sounded like the roar of an angry lion.

“W-who?!” Sarah choked out, taken by total surprise. The Sphinx agent, disguised in her military woman form from her last mission, pulled the Super towards herself so that her face was just inches from her’s.

“WHERE. IS. _FALCHION?!_ ” she roared again.

“H-he took him,” Sarah whimpered in terror. “The Replacement… He got him… It was all my fault…”

“ _YOUR_ FAULT?!” Rashida roared a third time, dropping her to the ground. “THAT STUPID BIRD — ”

“Rosie, no! Don’t blame him, please! I was the one who got us into this mess in the first place! Do whatever you want to me, but don’t hurt him…”

Her eyes widened in shock, and then narrowed in fury. “Tell me what happened,” she growled ferociously. “I need every word.”

Sarah could only sit up, her hands shaking uncontrollably. She had quite a story to tell, that was a given.

> **A/N: this is the best chapter i have wrote./O\**
> 
> **chaptet 4**
> 
> **"what the fuck do you want you piece of shit." andy said.**
> 
> **"you to stop following me." dr. jonws said.**
> 
> **"fuck off, im looking for indy." andy said.**
> 
> **"Ahh!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!:" dr. jones said. he tried to attack andy. then somebody jumped behind anbdyh. it was short round.**

Blood leaking from the bite mark on the base of his neck, Falchion lifted his head just in time to witness the appearance of Short Round, anbdyh the mini-Stu, and two more mini-Boulders, dr. jonws and dr. jones. A moment later, yet a third mini-Boulder, short round, rolled in and crushed anbdyh to a glittery pulp.

Apparently, the fake Dr. Jones was planning to gain Falchion’s “poweres” too, and he was quite sure he knew how he was going to do so. Thankfully, they’d run into Indy, andy, and now Short Round before he could get that far, though he still clutched the disguised Armor Bird Pokémon around his huge arm.

There was another problem, however. The fic had apparently lost whatever flimsy reason it had to even describe a setting, and as a result, everything was now obscured in a fluffy urple fog of sparkling glitter. The wound on the agent’s neck burned just from contacting the glitter.

Falchion had to cover his mouth and nose with his shirt collar to avoid inhaling the saccharine mist, but at least it gave him an excuse to properly digest the situation while Not!Henry was distracted, the mini-Boulders somehow rolling after him. The Skarmory agent did risk an upward glance, however, and what he saw was not pretty.

It was the crybaby Indy, Short Round, and andy against Dr. Jones… only this wasn’t Dr. Jones anymore. He had shot up to nine feet tall, with great muscular arms like a gorilla and grayish, furry skin. As he reared up and roared, **"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"** , the Skarmory agent could make out a pair of huge, scythe-like tusks.

The fake Dr. Jones had turned into a Troll. Either that, or a Badfic Troll had possessed the replacement character… if that was even possible.

“This explains _so_ much,” Falchion warbled sourly.

The fight moved quickly from backdrop to backdrop, the glitter thankfully dissipating as the fic finally decided to describe at least some form of scenery, with the poor Skarmory being in the metaphorical front row seats the entire time. Troll!Jones commandeered a random plane, by eating the pilot of course, in an attempt to escape, with the others using a trampoline to somehow jump high enough to pursue him. A few lines later, andy threw him out of the plane, and he fell all the way to the ground with a sickening thud, taking most of the impact for his captive, before getting up without a scratch and going to a random **roller coster park**. Falchion attempted to make sense of it as the fight continued, but it was all happening too fast for him to follow; all that mattered to him was the rampaging troll. Generic People screamed and fled in fear as Troll!Jones somehow got into a roller coaster and began a ride for no reason.

There was a momentary distraction when Falchion caught a whiff of a horrible odor, and turned to see yet another Mini-Boulder that looked rather like a coprolite — a ball of fossilized dung. This one had the words **shit ruond** engraved upon it.

“Okay, I know this fic is mature-rated for too many reasons to list, but creating a mini with a swear-word in its name is just _rude_ ,” Falchion muttered to himself, still held in the Troll’s huge arm as he wondered whether he had any tissues to pick up the new mini with. “The poor thing can’t even be traded on the GTS!”

Then Troll!Jones climbed to the top of the roller-coaster, **grabbed a kid and held him over the edge.** Falchion started thinking about how to rescue them both, but then Short Round interrupted the Troll’s King Kong impression with a tackle that sent all four of them plummeting into a Random Pool, screaming all the way. Falchion was secretly thankful that his Bag of Holding was waterproof.

> **"he can't swim." dr. jones said.**
> 
> **"short ROUND**
> 
> **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" andy said. dr. jones flew away.**

Falchion acted on instinct, ignoring yet another mini-Boulder for a moment, flapping his arms in a crude butterfly-stroke the way a sea eagle would do with its wings. He awkwardly swam in this way up to the ladder at the edge of the pool, and quickly climbed out, ignoring the horrified looks of Short Round and the random boy as the cloud of red in his wake began to spread across the water. Grabbing a lifesaver and rope, he tossed it into the pool.

“Grab on, both of you!” he cried. Both Short Round and the random boy did as they were told, allowing Falchion to haul them to the edge of the pool and help them onto solid ground.

The disguised Skarmory quickly dried out the other two before pulling out his Neuralyzer. “All right. I’ll need you two to get back to where you came from…”

“Thank you,” Short Round replied. “But… You are bloody! Did that monster — ”

“Yes, he did,” Falchion replied, taking out the RA. “But that’s not important right now. Anyway, just look this way…”

The Neuralyzer went FLASH! “None of this happened,” Falchion instructed. “You never encountered a fake Indy, a random character named andy, or a monster who claims to be Dr. Jones.”

“Okay,” said Short Round.

“Oh, and by the way?”

“Hmm?”

“Thanks for bailing me out, kid,” Falchion smiled, readjusting Short Round’s hat. “I owe you one.”

Short Round returned the grin, but had to return to his home continuum through the portal regardless. A few minutes later, Falchion asked the random kid a few questions about who he was, and used what he was told to send him back to his family.

The Skarmory agent used a small hand towel from the pool to wrap up shit ruond the smelly mini-Boulder to put in his bag, and then added short ROUND to his collection as well. “Now for the _hard_ part,” he said to himself.

 

* * *

 

**Act Three**

  * Soundtrack: [LEGO Indiana Jones 2: The Adventure Continues — “The Jungle Chase”](http://youtu.be/AUGmmWKxmyw)



 

“OW OW OW OW _OWWWWWW_ !” Sarah cried as Rashida dragged her by the ear through the portal to the end of Chapter 4, landing in some kind of movie theater. “What do you _mean_ , we’re going to kill him now? Don’t we have to find Adam first?”

“We’ll waste valuable time if we do that,” the disguised Sphinx agent snarled back. “This is an emergency situation, and we need to kill this fic _immediately,_ before it escalates any further.”

The two of them wisely looked away as the fic described a distorted version of the _Indiana Jones_ movie, which ended with the protagonist **taking a dump**.

“I’m in trouble, aren’t I?” Sarah asked nervously.

“We _all_ are, thanks to your utter incompetence,” Rashida growled. “Did they even _train_ you before you moved into our RC?”

“I thought you were going to do that!” Sarah replied.

Her captor stopped, turning to face her. “You should’ve told us you needed proper training the moment you stepped into the RC!” she hissed.

“I tried, but you were heading off to FicPsych!” Sarah snapped back, before dry-heaving at the slight jolt that marked the end of the chapter. “I was going to ask when you got back, but then all this happened!”

“Then you should have waited for me and dealt with the _nikomak_ console. I would have _known_ what this monstrosity was immediately and _prepared_ for it. Unlike a certain _someone_ who jumps into things without _using her fucking head!_ ”

> **a/n: thus is the chapter where dr. jones is defeated**
> 
> **andy and indy attacked dr. jones! but he saw them coming and punched them in the kidneys.**
> 
> **"why dont they call you kidneyana jones?" dr. jones attacked him.**
> 
> **andy had an idea. he beat up dr. jones.**
> 
> **"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" dr. jonessaid.**

“My head works just _fine_ for bashing faces in!” Sarah replied, looking clearly insulted as she disregarded both the author’s note and another mini-Boulder, preparing to jump into the fight scene herself. “Just watch me.”

“ _Excuse you?!_ ” Rashida snarled, giving her such a vicious death glare that her current partner actually faltered in shock. “I _specifically_ said that _I’m_ the one who’s going to press the charges _and_ kill that bastard. I’ve worked at Internal Affairs for _years_ , and I’ve handled worse than this!”

“How, by nearly _killing_ two other agents?!”

Rashida’s eyes widened in shock and rage. For a moment, she wanted to bite down on Sarah’s throat until the Super teen suffocated to death, but she knew that wouldn’t help much.

She was just about to vent her anger on Troll!Jones instead, however, when…

> **"andy!! THE DOOR!!" indy said as the person in the door was revealed. it was...george lucas and steven spielberg!!**
> 
> **"it's true...u r real!!" george said.**
> 
> **"HAHHAHAHA!! now you can star in the movies, and we won't do the work.!!" steven spielberg said.**
> 
> **"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" indy said.**
> 
> **"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" dr. jones said. then indy turned to george and styevn. they both fell down dead. the shooter was ...**
> 
> **"andy?" andy said.**
> 
> **"no..it is mutt, form the fucking movie." dr. jones said.**
> 
> **"SHIT!!" jobens said. idny turned to him. mutt ran away. indy turned to dr. jones.**
> 
> **"checkmate." he said. he heard a gun cluck behind him. andy had turned on him!**
> 
> **"andy? why." in daina said.**
> 
> **"he said he'd send me back in time if I dint...you also called me a little shit and your ugly you old fucking shit" andy said evilly.**
> 
> **"you fucking pile of shit." indy said.**
> 
> **"and now to send you back in times." dr. jones said. andy tried to shoot dr. jones,** but a rock the size of a soccer ball smashed into his head at 60 mph, sending him sprawling.

“And there’s _plenty_ more where that came from, you _jerk!_ ” Sarah crowed, having taken the opportunity to bean andy with mutt the mini-Boulder while Rashida was recovering from her momentary shell-shock.

The fake Henry had turned back into a human, and glared at Sarah angrily. “what do you wnt?” he asked.

“To finish what I started,” she responded, cracking her knuckles. “And _this_ time, I’ve brought a little help.”

Rashida had recovered her senses by this time, and stepped forward to join her partner, her pistol at the ready. “Dr. Henry Jones Sr., a.k.a. dr. jones… Aside from any and all charges this _idiot_ pressed against you earlier, I am further charging you with excreting verbal diarrhea all over _every_ scene you’ve been in, absorbing people’s ‘poweres’ and gaining a new ability for no good reason, attacking several PPC agents and killing _dozens_ of bystanders in the process, turning people evil simply by threatening them — ”

“Isn’t that acceptable in certain situations?” Sarah piped up.

“That’s if you use extreme measures. You _can_ motivate someone to turn evil by intending to kill their child or romantic partner, but I don’t see how sending someone back in time will have the same result. Just shut up already!”

“Shutting up now.”

“Anyway, additional charges include nearly killing a canonical character and/or putting said canon in life-threatening circumstances, being such a terribly written ‘generic villain’ that your character doesn’t even resemble the canonical Dr. Jones Sr., and being possessed by a Badfic Troll. Where’d that thing go, anyway?”

That was when the agents noticed a shadow looming over them. They looked towards andy, who had undergone the same transformation that the fake Dr. Jones had done earlier. This troll was slightly different in that instead of fur, he had overlapping keeled scales and a forked tongue, as well as huge venomous fangs instead of tusks.

“Snakes,” Sarah whispered with a horrified expression, reiterating the famous line from _Raiders of the Lost Ark_. “It had to be snakes.”

Generic People screamed at the sight of the Troll and fled the theater in terror. Indiana Jones, whose character had been warped beyond recognition by both the troll and the artifact lodged in his rectum, whimpered softly.

Rashida cleared her throat, readying the RA. “andy, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Gary Stu _and_ a Badfic Troll at the same time — an _extremely_ rare occurrence, mind you! — on account of the following charges…”

The snake-Troll let out a feral, hissing screech and charged at the agents. “Hold him off!” the disguised Sphinx cried. “I need time to portal Indy to Medical!”

“Got it!” Sarah cried, and with that she began pulling off her best Leeroy Jenkins impression in the form of charging the Troll straight on, screaming like the enraged berserker she was. As expected, the Troll raised his enormous hand, tipped with razor-sharp, four-inch claws, and made to take Sarah’s head off. But Sarah knew this was coming, and she jumped straight up into the air, the beast’s claws only managing to tear a deep cut into her leg. She faltered from the pain, but still dove down with tremendous force and sent him sprawling a second time with a headbutt square in the scalp. The Troll reared up and snarled at her as she landed, his forehead leaking glitter profusely.

“Now, where were we?” Sarah spat angrily. “Oh, yeah. The charges we’ve listed include completely butchering the English language, being poorly defined in general… YEEEEK!”

The Troll had decided then and there to bring a double-fisted hammering attack directly upon her head. Unable to get out of the way and forced to block the blow with both arms, she was saved only by her impact-resistant frame, but the cut in her leg was quickly sapping her strength. Rashida had managed to toss the still inconsolable Indy through the portal, leaving a _very_ surprised Dr. Appleday on the other side. Forced to act quickly, the Sphinx agent decided to go for broke and switched out of her disguise, dropping down upon all fours before distracting the Troll with a spine-tingling **_ROAR!_ **

“AAAAH my ears!” the Troll snarled, whirling towards her. The Sphinx’s roar had been twenty-five times louder than a gas-powered lawnmower.

“Sarah, _I’m_ doing the talking, not you!” Rashida growled, backing away as the Troll moved towards her. “Anyway, andy, you are _also_ charged with creating multiple characters, several of them due to misspellings, _specifically_ to kill them off, creating an entire catacomb’s worth of Minis, replacing the character of Dr. Henry Jones Sr., having the _Indiana Jones_ movies exist in the same timeline as Indy himself, attempting to have Indy’s film directors enslave him for profit, turning evil specifically because of a single stupid threat, warping _every fucking canon_ completely out of character, making people scream and cry and (Horus forbid) _defecate_ every _two nikomak minutes_ , turning into a reptile just because you’re evil, making a gun cluck like a chicken, writing a completely stupid and horrible excuse for a trollfic, having absolutely _no_ respect for the _Indiana Jones_ canon, attacking a PPC agent, and…”

However, in his menacing advance, the Troll had backed her up all the way to the back of the theater, and unless she could get room to take off, there was nowhere to run. “And being… and… _OH,_ **_FORGET IT!!!_ ** ”

With another _ROAR_ , she launched herself at the Troll’s face, claws out. The beast’s scales were hard as steel, but her attack had caused him to lose his balance and topple onto his back. He rocked like a turtle while Rashida tried to find purchase upon his throat, out of the way of his venomous bite. But his clawed hand suddenly grabbed her by the hindquarters, and he flung her into the fifth-row seats, smashing the RA to shrapnel in the process.

The monster rolled back onto his feet and prepared to charge at the downed Sphinx agent, but then he heard a rocket launcher go off behind him. There was a massive explosion as the missile exploded upon andy’s back, the intense heat of the blast melting scales and singing flesh. The burn was not deep enough to prove fatal, however, and more importantly, Sarah now had the Troll’s undivided attention.

The Super tried to take off, but in the confined space of the theater, there was no-where to go. And andy was too far away for Rashida to take advantage of his back injury.

“i am goin to END YO!!!” the Troll roared in fury before charging at Sarah. She didn’t even have enough breath left to scream.

Then andy stopped in his tracks, his clawed arms flailing, his short legs now pedaling on nothing but air. He looked down a moment later to see that a very large ring of blue light had opened up beneath him, beneath which was a very deep pit. And at the bottom of _that_ was a pool of molten lava.

He looked frantically back to Sarah, who shrugged as if to say, “Sorry, pal. It’s on you this time.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” andy screamed, finally plummeting straight into the sacrificial fire pit from _Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom_. It promptly let out a WHOOSH and a blast of flame, and Sarah briefly smelled the odor of charred meat.

Falchion closed the portal as he finally stepped into the theater, wiping his brow in relief. “Sorry I’m late, ladies. Got caught up neuralyzing some kids. I hope Kali likes roasted Troll sirloin.”

“No no, you’re right on time,” Rashida sighed, slumping to the floor in tired relief. “Thank you.”

Sarah rushed up to the disguised Skarmory and gave him a hug that all but knocked the wind out of him. “That’s the second time you’ve saved my life, Adam!” she nearly wept. “You really should stop doing that!”

“Unless you actually _prepare_ before going into a badfic, I can’t make any guarantees,” Falchion chuckled. “Sadly, this is also the second time I’ve stolen Mean Old Rosie’s kill. But if anyone else needs to be disposed of, she can do the honors. I’m exhausted.”

Rashida looked toward the fake Dr. Jones, immediately understanding what her partner was talking about. “There _is_ someone, actually. Do you have anything that may be useful?”

“Rocks,” Falchion replied, picking up the remaining minis and tossing his bag to her. “Big ones, and lots of ‘em. Oh, and can I press two more charges on top of everything you two piled onto that Replacement?”

“Sure,” Rashida growled, before picking up said badfic character by the neck and pulling him towards the others.

“All righty, then,” the Skarmory hissed fiercely. “In addition to _everything_ my partner and my stupid sister charged you with, I myself am also charging you with the most beige prose I’ve ever seen — Glitter _hurts like flock_ upon contact with an open wound, you know! — and making all three of us so mad that we nearly lost our lives trying to get rid of you and your little pawn.”

“you’r not gong to kill me arent you?” the fake Dr. Jones laughed. “it is imposible! i have the poweres of both barak obama and john mckain! with them i will be unstopble!!!”

“Sorry to burst your bubble,” Rashida snarled as she dropped her hindquarters onto his stomach with her front towards his face, “but the World One figures the people you ate correspond to don’t have any Speshul abilities to begin with. Oh, and by the way?”

“huh wat?” asked Not!Henry, looking suddenly frightened.

Rashida’s ruby-eyed glare turned lethal as she picked up Falchion’s bag. “I won’t be responsible if you and your dumbfuck accomplice give Ammet indigestion for six months,” she spat hatefully.

The last thing the Replacement of Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. saw was a highly furious albino Sphinx dumping no less than seventeen mini-Boulders over his head.

 

* * *

 

**Post-Mission**

 

Falchion and Sarah emerged through the portal to RC #227 together, feeling thoroughly humiliated. Considering the nature of what they had just been through, this wasn’t particularly surprising.

“So much for my promise not to put you through life-threatening situations,” the Skarmory grumbled as he collapsed into his nest, before jumping back up with a squawk of pain. A stray thorn had lodged itself into one of the multiple gashes that had been torn into his armored neck. On top of that, one of his long legs had been broken as well, forcing him to stand on the other like a flamingo, and his armor was also rusted from his dunk in that random pool, with dents and cuts from beak to tail.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Sarah replied as she finally started picking up her clothes and tossing them haphazardly into her still-open suitcase. “I shouldn’t have jumped in so quickly.”

“You shouldn’t have jumped in _at all_ ,” Rashida snarled as she too stepped through the portal and closed it behind her. “I just rescued the real Dr. Jones Sr. from a plot hole and returned him to his rightful place. He doesn’t remember a thing. And as for his evil clone, let’s just say we can cross feeding King Krok off the chore list tonight.”

“Any other damage to the continuum in question?” Falchion asked, trying to pick the thorn out of his hide with his bad leg. He lost his balance and fell over a moment later.

“Since the badfic takes place decades after the canonical timeline, there actually wasn’t too much harm done, and I am _very_ thankful for that. What would have happened if this fic had taken place _during_ the events of the movies?”

“It started out just after _The Last Crusade_ ,” Sarah pointed out.

“Just shut up and drag that tin turkey to Medical already,” Rashida fumed. “And have them patch you up as well, while you’re at it.”

“But Rosie,” Falchion interjected, “wouldn’t my nest be — ”

“ _No_ ,” his partner cut him off. “You are going to Medical, and that’s final. And Sarah, when you’re done with Appleday, I expect you back in this RC _immediately._ ”

“Immediately?” the Super teen whimpered. “B-but why?”

“We need to talk. A _lot_.”

Sarah’s heart sank in despair as she realized what that meant. This just wasn’t her day!

#  **[END]**

* * *

 

Rescued minis:

  * _Indiana Jones_ (mini-Boulders) _:_
    * Indania
    * crystal skoal
    * ndiana jones
    * indjyu
    * indy
    * idie’s
    * junier
    * IDNI”ES
    * dr. jonws
    * dr. jones
    * short round
    * shit ruond
    * short ROUND
    * dr. jonessaid
    * mutt
    * jobens
    * idny
    * in dania



**Author's Note:**

> A/N: The inspiration for this mission actually came from a bit of online drama that a number of my associates got involved in not long after I joined the Board. I won’t name any names, but the gist of it was that the person in question wanted to jump into the PPC and write missions as soon as possible and kept sending in agent bios and permission requests incessantly, without doing the necessary reading. I didn’t witness the nastier parts of the crisis myself, but I did read through people’s reactions to this person’s posts, and the most disturbing thing about this situation was that she had acted in a very similar manner to how I myself was before being called out on my own bullshit by certain others. I offered my two cents exactly once, explaining that apologizing wasn’t going to help unless you make good on it, and it wasn’t long after that when I realized that an in-universe transcription of a similar course of action would make for an interesting mission, if only to poke some fun at the incident and deconstruct the rashness of this person’s behavior. I had initially planned for Falchion to get in trouble in the first place, but his development during the previous mission led me to decide against it, as it would undo said development almost completely. Thankfully, that same mission gave me a new recruit who would have been far more appropriate for instigating the whole mess, so I gave Falchion the role of a protective older brother instead (as I’ve taken on that role myself a few times, despite being the youngest child of my family). Likewise, Rashida’s personality is somewhat based on a cross between my parents and some of my college teachers/advisors, which makes sense given that she’s supposed to be training and caring for the newbies. Although in this case, her stance is more akin to dealing with the consequences of haste and lack of planning. For as I myself put it once, “If you ever intend to exterminate badfic, be sure you're not jumping into the portal without your armaments.”  
> This “fanfic”, and the sarcastic quote marks were indeed intentional, is one of those kinds that pretty much speaks for itself, really. I couldn’t get even through the fifth chapter, and I was mentally head-desking the entire time. There is literally nothing good I have to say about it, and since I usually go out of my way to accentuate the positives of any work of literature I read or critique, that assertion alone puts the fic in a very unfortunate position. On top of the terrible spelling and grammar (humorously ironic deaths by mini-Boulders aside), nonsensical plot, and awful characterization, this mess of a story went in so many different directions that I couldn’t wrap my head around it at all. I actually found the fic via TV Tropes (it was right next to the one I sporked in the previous mission on the Fanfic/Film list), and from what I was able to gather from it, other weird things that show up later on include a turn-based fight in the style of a Pokémon battle, a badfic equivalent of Prince attempting to rape Indy, an airplane made entirely out of chainsaws, Marion showing up in said plane and later being disintegrated, the Titanic exploding after Indy hits it with his whip (BTW, WTF?), and Indy shooting energy blasts by wedging the artifact even further up his large intestine. Given all that, I’d say Rashida made the right choice to kill it near the halfway point. Though TV Tropes labels this as a crackfic (which it definitely is), I had a suspicion that it would be a trollfic as well, and after looking at the 9 reviews it got, along with the author’s profile (apparently, he’s written over a hundred fics of a similar nature), I decided to label it as one and call it a day. It also gave me a convenient excuse to have both of my greener agents get maimed as well, since I did plan for an interlude to have Falchion returning from Medical and meeting another agent (though the subject matter will ultimately be decided by me and my planned co-author).  
> And yeah, this mission turned out even shorter than I initially expected, especially after the sheer scale of the previous one. Given the emphasis on conciseness that most PPC missions have, though, that may be a good thing, and at least my agents will still be sane after what happened. If you like longer reads, though, don’t lose hope just yet — for the next mission I plan to write, which will be a collab with one of my previous beta-readers, I will do my best to cover my agents’ antics in whatever badfic it’s going to kill in considerably more detail!
> 
> -SkarmorySilver


End file.
